Three things you can do if your child’s friends annoy you

You are not going to like all your children’s friends and sooner or later, your child will bring home a friend you just don’t warm to.

Maybe they’re rude, overconfident or have a habit of helping themselves to snacks without asking. Or maybe it’s deeper than that and you feel they bring out the worst in your child.

It’s easy to just tell your child they can’t hang out with a friend, but that often won’t solve the problem.

Parenting coach Sue Atkins and mum-of-four and comedian Ria Lina share three ways you can navigate this without driving your own kid away.

Is it something serious like disrespect, bullying or risky behaviour, or is it just that the child rubs you up the wrong way?

Atkins says it’s worth doing a little self-audit before reacting as it’s important to separate what’s annoying from what’s harmful.

If it’s a genuine risk like dangerous behaviour or bullying then it’s time to step in more firmly, but if the issue is something like manners, you can model the behaviour you want to see.

This is something Lina, whose comedy is often about the trials and tribulations of raising four children, often does.

“When a child is under my care, they follow my standards,” she explains.

“I tell my children off for putting their feet on bus seats and if other kids under my care are doing that, then I’ll tell them to take their feet off too.”

Lina says that the reason you may not like your children’s friends is often because of a “clash of values” with other parents.

“I’ve had moments where I thought, this kid makes my kid worse but often it’s not really that child’s fault.

“For example, I don’t allow gun play at home at all, no finger guns or playing with toy guns, but lots of boys do that and that’s caused tension when I’ve told my kids they couldn’t join in.”

Sometimes talking to the child’s parents can help find a middle ground that both parents are happy with, she says.

The worst thing you can do is just ban your child from seeing a friend as “you’re not helping them engage in better friendships nor are you explaining to them why they can’t spend time with that child,” says Atkins.

Being too heavy-handed can “backfire and your child will probably hang out with that friend more just to spite you.”

You should ask your child why they like that friend – what do they have in common? What do they enjoy doing together?

Listening to them share this doesn’t mean you approve of their friendship but it helps build trust between you.

“When you talk, choose your moment carefully,” says Atkins. “Watch your tone and body language because if you go in aggressive or judgemental, they’ll shut down.

“You want to build bridges, not walls.”

Lina says that it’s important to tell your child “you don’t approve of a particular behaviour and you don’t want to see them copying it,” she adds.

“That way you’re not stopping the friendship or forbidding the interaction but you’re drawing a line about what shouldn’t be repeated or endorsed.”

If your child seems stuck in a friendship you’re uneasy about, subtly expand their social world.

“Introduce other friends into the mix,” suggests Atkins. “Invite cousins over, make them join a sports club or try after-school activities – anything that helps them meet new people.”

It’s also important to remember that not every friendship is forever and kids often move through phases, so it’s best to see how the friendship changes over a few weeks or months before intervening.

“Sometimes it’s just a friend for the summer holidays or it’s a teenage kid trying to spite you,” says Atkins.

The best thing you can do is model the kind of friendships you hope your child will form.

Talking to them about your own relationships can show your child what respect, kindness and healthy boundaries look like and in turn, they are more likely to mimic that.